I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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