the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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