Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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