ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
