Define "chronic" masturbator.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I party with great urgency now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
