I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
