Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
