Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
