my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
