Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize