I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Randomize
