I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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