omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
