Your mouth is God's brothel.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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