you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
