you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
