Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
