Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
