Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
