You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
