It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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