There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
