xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
