I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
