I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
