You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
