At least make sure they are 18
Why
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
