I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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