so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
