Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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