I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize