I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
