You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
