Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
