...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize