I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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