Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
