Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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