I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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