i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My dick has a subreddit
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
