Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
