i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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