Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
