in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Bring me that man meat
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
