You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
