im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
