We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
