I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
