so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
