Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
