Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
