apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
