Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
