I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize