i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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