he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just found a bag of teeth...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
