please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
