Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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