she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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