i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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